As soon as I got home from Vegas, I went immediately into my room and said “Hi” to Marley’s urn. And I am again reminded of the fact that I am sleeping by myself again. The nights when I am completely alone, the silence breaks me. What I would give to hear his loud breathing and snores. My nights are sleepless and I am literally haunted by that Sunday afternoon. I can still see him. I hear the screams that came out of my mouth. The sheer panic that overcame me. Attempting to carry him, but he was just too heavy for me. Holding him in my arms while being so helpless. The way his face looked while we were in the car. The sun just bouncing off him. He would’ve enjoyed it.
I came home yearning to just pet him. Give him a hug. A million kisses. To sit there with his head in my hands and our foreheads touching. For him to just get excited that I was home.
I wanted to smell him. I got his toys, but they no longer smell like him. I got 3 of his blankets, and none of them smell like him. I never washed the clothes that I wore that Sunday, and they no longer smell like him.
I am so heartbroken. I never thought this was going to be this hard. That these past almost 3 weeks I would be so lost without, Marley. I always said I wouldn’t know what I would do without him and here I am.. without him.. and I am so lost. My heart hurts. I feel broken. Incomplete. Shattered. I still feel like someone has ripped open my chest and yanked out my heart. I fuckin miss him.