Wow it’s been a while since I’ve actually wrote anything on here. Sadly, I have a ton of blog posts on draft that I totally forgot to post. I have stuff from Jamaica, a couple of separate Disney trips, my girls trip to Napa, and my Disney World trip from February. All I had to do was go back and upload photos. Well long story short, my computer crashed and I’ve been using a loaner laptop which doesn’t have any of my personal stuff on it, and WordPress photo layouts in the mobile app suck soooooo… I haven’t uploaded anything. Sorry! I will get to it eventually…
Anyways, the reason I decided to write on here now is that I need an outlet to just be able to say what’s in my mind without having to verbally say it out loud, if that makes sense. The past 2 months have been a struggle for me, but especially the last month. As some of you may be aware, I have Ulcerative Colitis. It’s when there’s inflammation and ulcers in my large intestines. The past several years I’ve been on “remission” and I haven’t had any of the symptoms come, but of course at the end of February, my symptoms were triggered again (by flaming hot Cheetos) and here we are.
After about a month from the first signs of my flare and being on medication, everything started to seem like it was getting better. But of course, somehow that turned. The weekend right before my birthday my symptoms worsened. I am talking sudden and frequent urges to go to the bathroom and constant pain. I am going to spare the details, but basically I was in home and in bed for several days just because I did not feel well.
Of course the week after my birthday I went to Disneyland. I felt so bad because T had to spend most of our time in Disneyland with one of my GFs because I was constantly in the bathroom and I just did not feel well. After Disneyland was my sister’s bachelorette and same thing, I was just a mess.
Since Disneyland and Napa, I’ve just been in constant pain. I have abdominal cramps throughout the day and the moment I am in the bathroom those cramps intensify. There are times when I am literally fighting back tears because of how painful going to the bathroom is and most of the time I am not passing anything or it’s very minimal. These constant trips to the bathroom has me worried about doing anything or going anywhere. Also, I haven’t had much sleep because I am waking up throughout the night just to go to the bathroom. I am averaging about 3 hours a night. I am just tired.
Since March I’ve lost about 23 lbs. I haven’t been this skinny in YEARS and seeing any type of muscle development that I’ve made from going to the gym since October and having a trainer is now out the door. I am so upset that I have to start all over again. I am literally skin and bones and it’s not easy to look at.
On top of all this, I feel like I am just adding on more medication to whatever I am already taking. And to know that I am going to be on medication for the rest of my life is very unsettling. It doesn’t help that the steroid I am on is causing me some crazy ass mood swings and I am just not a pleasant person to be around at the moment.
The accumulation of everything has just taken a toll on me in all levels. I am just exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want to sleep. I would love a full 8 hours of sleep. Of uninterrupted sleep. I want to feel alive and less like a zombie. I want to be able to eat anything and everything I want to eat again. I want to be able to go somewhere without the constant fear of having to use the restroom. Or being somewhere where I can’t get to the bathroom. I want to not be in pain anymore. I just want to be me again.
My gastroenterologist keeps telling me I shouldn’t stress out. Stress is adding fuel to the fire. But I can’t help to be stressed out. Everything is stressing me out. I am stressed that I am sick. I am stressed out about work. I am stressed out that I have to be at work. I can’t afford to not work. I am stressed financially. I am stressed at the fact that my sister is getting married next weekend. I am stressed. I am stressed. I am fuckin stressed. And her telling me to not stress is stressing me out even more.
Anyways, this blog wasn’t meant to be some kind of pity party. I just needed to get things off my chest. I don’t want to talk about it aloud because I start to get emotional and I don’t want to cry. At the same time, I am so tired of people asking me the same questions multiple times a day. How do you feel? Are you ok? Does your stomach hurt? Can you eat this? The answers are always the same.
I just want a good day. One good day. I need that good day to just help me push through and remind myself that there are good days and that there can be better days. Just one fucking good day, please !?! Is that too much to ask for???